Bucko Goes Bananas!

On Friday 10th October, 2020, world mental health day rolled around once again, heralding the first anniversary of the Buxton Bugle, which in turn ushered in many wild and celebratory parties from the dedicated editors and readers who, combined, totalled just enough to comply with the government’s ‘rule of six.’ Away from these manic sesh pits, though, a more interesting challenge was afoot in the sixth form study centre. To the cheers, cries, and questioning eyes of the sixth form population, Mr Buckley was attempting to consume a world record of 8 bananas in sixty seconds. Nobody was quite sure why, but as the stopwatch began Bucko made a good start, downing bananas like a great ape with a potassium deficiency. But as the little yellow crescents of fun began to make their presence known roughly halfway through the challenge, he had no choice but to slow down, only 3 bananas into his target.

Bucko begins to question his life choices

With many a strained face, Bucko tried to pull back victory from the jaws of defeat - ironically, it was his own jaw, presently full of what was beginning to resemble a sort of potassium-filled angel delight, that was his undoing. With 4 bananas down, pride in his heart, and a trip to the toilet on his mind, Mr Buckley yielded to the scale of the challenge he had set. But with 8 bananas left, who would step up to the plate as a competitor and possible hero of the inaugural Buxton Community School Sixth Form Annual Who Can Eat The Most Bananas In Sixty Seconds Challenge?

Jack Flint, obviously. The self-titled ‘big lad’ of the 6th form, Jack swaggered forwards with all the bravado and confidence of a man calmly urinating into a public pool from the 10m diving board. Ascending Bucko’s abdicated throne, he was out of the gates like a scolded cat, grabbing his first fruity offering and inserting it almost whole into his extended trachea. With a famously large and unfiltered mouth, surely Flint would be the one to bring home the title once and for all? Well, maybe. But also no. Overcome, perhaps, by the absurdity of the situation in which he found himself, Jack began laughing, spraying the first few rows of spectators with large chunks of the previous inhabitants of the back of his throat. This crucial mishap slowed his progress considerably, meaning he finished the challenge with only 3 more bananas gone. And now the call came for another challenger.

Who would answer the call? Who would willingly sacrifice the last of his remaining scraps of dignity and pride for a chance to bring glory to the school? The answer came in the form of Thomas Broadley, a stunningly attractive and academically progressive individual, best known for dressing as a woman and lip-syncing to Bonnie Tyler’s 1984 hit ‘Holding Out for a Hero’ (see issue 2 for details.) The only thing he was holding out today, though, was his hand, beckoning for his first banana.

Thomas prepares, feat. Harry Beal & Ali G

After a specially formulated warm-up routine, similar to that of Anthony Joshua (who shares a similar body type), he was away, chugging bananas undeterred, save from the odd interjection from Mrs Hall and others regarding his penchant for a certain 1970s rock icon. Halfway in, though, things began to take on a similar theme as had occurred with the previous two challengers. Finding himself too full of part-digested banana and self-questioning, Thomas began to slow down, meaning that he, too, only managed to to ingest 4 of the remaining bananas. Until next year, then, the title remains tied with Mr Buckley and former head boy Thomas Broadley.

By Thomas Broadley.