Mystic Martin

Aries

When writing that history or philosophy essay, just remember what Doctor Who once said: “The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: they don’t alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views.”

Taurus

Make sure you stock up on some bamboo because some Giant Pandas are going to visit you, and they get really really cross when they’re hungry.

Gemini

If you feel you have been too much of a bludger in any group study recently, get everyone in your group some Jammie Dodgers to make up for it.

Cancer

I predict that you will google the word ‘bludger’ at some point very soon.

Leo

This month you’re going to make friends with Lucy, Edmund, Peter and Susan. Just steer clear of the Turkish Delight.

Virgo

Very indignant rhinoceroses get outplayed.

Libra

Fix up look sharp.

Scorpio

With Pluto in ascendancy, Jupiter in retrograde and Mars having popped down to the shops, you don’t have enough players for your underwater basket weaving team.

Sagittarius

The Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Foreign Minister went head to head in a competition over who had the most breezy office. The result was: Sajid airiest. Get it? Sagittarius? Sajid airiest? Oh, never mind. Try the next one instead.

Capricorn

An island off the coast of Italy has become known for its maize. It’s a good time to get your hands on some Capri corn.

Aquarius

Are you confused about the rhinoceroses? Look again.

Pisces

Fred went out and stole lots of lemon meringues. It was a big pie seize.